Kandahar

So I was thinking about graduation, mostly because it’s less than a month away. See, the last time I graduated it was from high school and it was pretty fun participating because I was one of the speakers. But it feels inappropriate now, especially since I’d really rather continue my education and making a big hubbub about it is reminiscent of that SNL sketch where everybody’s dancing and singing about the fall of Kandahar:



Gee, golly wow
Boy, we've got 'em now
Kandahar!
Kandahar!

Say, Taliban
Move your minivans
Kandahar!
Kandahar!

That's happy news
No more bearded dudes
Kandahar!
Kandahar!

I'm telling you
That's no pretty suit
Kandahar!
Kandahar!

Forget my bike
I'm gonna ride a trike
Kandahar!
Kandahar!

Who needs a suit
I'm skinny dipping in
Kandahar!
Kandahar!

I've got a date
With my future mate
Kandahar!
Kandahar!

Tracy Morgan: Kandahar? Huh? [ music pots up, lights go low ] What's that? A bag of beans. An old sock. Sand.. sifting through our hands. Oh, you foolish people, when will you learn? You cannot temper hot steel with lilacs and lilies. For you, the flames of war are but a magpie of sullen tar. But nay.. this war.. this festering agon which threatens the ages will not be won in Afghan cities. But in the very bosom of all man's all too fettered being. So, rejoice not. 'Tis but a pauper's doorknob. This Kandahar.

Will Ferrell: Wow. Wow. Hey, guys, I've gotta tell you, even though a lot of the words this wise man used are not real, he's right. Just because some cities have been taken in Afghanistan, it doesn't mean the war on terrorism is over. We can't forget now is not the time to celebrate. We've got to show some patience.

Horatio Sanz: [ rushes back in ] They've taken Jalalabad!

It's over now
I'm gonna have a cow
Jalalabad!
Jalalabad!

In addition, it feels rather redundant to do the ceremony again. Plus I save money.

However, a graduation gift is certainly not redundant. I mean, the last time I graduated I got a car and another car would be redundant so that’s out of the picture but some other gift would certainly be appropriate. Now I’ve been racking my brain on this, and I’m thinking that the best gift would somehow be related to travel. Like maybe a trip to Washington, D.C. or Montana, or some European country; I hear they’ve got Europeans in Europe. I suppose something computer related would be neat as well, but that’s sort of like giving a heroin-addicted graduate a large quantity of heroin. Not that I inject computer stuff in my bloodstream and I’m not addicted to computers. No, it’s not like that.

So those are my main ideas, and I figure a graduation gift’s gotta be larger than birthday gifts since, you know, birthdays come every year but you only graduate three or four times in your lifetime.